Made To Be Broken
by BabyJane14
Summary: She's come to learn that she depends on him. Although its taken her a life time to admit it to herself seeing that she could lose him at any moment has shown her just how much he means to her and just how much she isn't willing to give up.


Manda's Note:

Its been a long time since I've allowed myself to write for a ship that wasn't Gossip Girl but I think I've finally hit something that could very well mean just as much to me as that has. This is all what my over active mind sees and hears. I don't know, I've worked really hard on it and I have to say I think I'm honestly very proud of it. so leave me your thoughts and things.

And I also have to add that this is all thanks to my Marshmallow, my britt, because without you not minding to read my crap and put up with my crazy incessant phone calls and skype conversations I'm pretty sure I'd of quit a long time ago. so thanks for letting me pick your brain for ideas. and believe me, I won't be leaving you alone with the rest of them any time soon.

* * *

She's never had to try real hard to conjure up the things she desires most in her mind. She's not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but all she knows is that right now it's comforting. As the nine year old snuggles under her covers and pulls up her quilt she also pulls the memory of her mother to her. She can see her dark curly hair begin tucked behind an ear as she leaned down and brushes her lips to her daughter's cheek. She can still hear the elegant sweet voice finishing up the third round of 'You are my sunshine' in her quiet alto before her every night greeting of, 'sleep well mija'. She doesn't even have to try all that hard for the image to come to her. All she has to do is relax.

Of course, with the sweet memory of her mother brings along with it a memory that elicits more pain than she'd like and soon her fists are balled into the quilt that's over her. She can see his fist pounding into her cheek, her mother's tanned skin darkened with splotches of purple and blue. Her ears fill themselves with his yelling, him yelling at her that she's a good for nothing whore. So many images that poses the same scene for so many years of her childhood, it's something she just can't make go away anymore. Of course, to make matters worse it's always followed by her mother's last moments. Something that happened only weeks prior but also something she's positive she'll never push from her mind. There's just too much pain in the memory, so much hurt she's quite sure she knows it'll always be there.

She can see the car speeding into the driveway. She sees the woman she saw her father kissing outside on the veranda the night previous behind the wheel. She watches the car as it slams straight into her mother without slowing, blood spatter splashing everywhere as it does so. She knew right at that moment that she'd never see the driveway the same way again. She also knows that, as the car pulls away, she'll never be able to tell the police what happened. He'd kill her if the words so much as started to come from her mouth. She knows, she knows that she's too young to die. Even if she misses her mother with every last fiber in her body, she still can't join her yet. Because, she's got big dreams, and big ideas, she's got to become somebody.

Nine year old Santana Maria Lopez closes her eyes finally, her mind partially clear, and she sees the lights. A stage with a microphone, a handsome boy standing in the audience with a single yellow rose (red roses remind her of the ones her father brought to her mother's funeral) in hand. Waiting for her to come down off the stage, he's waiting to see her and only her. But, as the audience and the stage start to slip away she's standing there, looking straight into the eyes of her father. That's the moment she decides they're all the same, and, she's always going to get hurt. She needs to fight for survival in this life.

* * *

A dark and rainy April day eleven year old Santana is sitting down beside the abandoned dock house. Her knees are pulled to her chest and every once and a while she leans to the left to spit out the copper taste that keeps filling her mouth. It was one A- and she's paying for it. He saw the A- and a left hook hit her square to the jaw. Between her fingers she rolls a little bit of her innocence. Her last baby tooth, it'd been a little loose before the blow but now it's out and it's sitting in her hand. Although she's felt like she was growing up for the past two years, and she knows that the tooth fairy doesn't exist, this is the last baby tooth that was in her mouth. It was the last in a long line of lasts when it came to her being a child. Part of her wants to throw it into the open water, to watch as it sinks to the ground. But she doesn't. instead, she sits there watching it move back and forth in her hand.

"Watcha hafta come out here for? You're in my spot"

She knows the voice, he's the boy from school. She's hung out with him once or twice in the play ground. His hazel eyes are searching her face for some type of reaction as he sits down across from her, Indian style. She doesn't look up to meet his gaze she just keeps looking at the little white purl in her hand. His eyes follow hers and a smirk that would one day be his signature crosses over his features.

"You know the tooth fairy doesn't exist. She's not gonna come drop magic money in your hand."

His smart assed reply takes her away from her thoughts and she finally looks up at him. She hears him gasp as he sees, without the dark cloudy shadow casted on it, her swollen face. Feeling the trickle of blood falling from her nose she wipes it with the back of her hand. At least she knows its blood and not tears. Santana hasn't cried since she was nine years old, and she knows that it wouldn't have been worth it to start now. She's sitting still just looking at him silently. There's something in his eyes that comforts her a little, something she won't even begin to try and understand. Instead she takes a deep breath lets out a bit of a sigh.

"My dad just packed his bags and left my baby sister, my mom and I"

The stranger says to her as he turns and they both look out at the water and admire how the rain drips down on it. Over the next few hours he learns she's Santana and she learns he's Puck. He hates the name Noah, he's afraid of being stuck in a house full of women, his best friend, Finn, is a clueless moron, and she's doomed to be around him for the rest of her days. What she doesn't learn about him till she gets home is that somewhere in their long chats she's lost the white baby tooth, instead, it's been replaced with two one dollar bills. There's something different about that Puck kid. Something she didn't expect to see.

* * *

She's known Puck for a year now. Hell raiser and his harlot, even at twelve years old they're invincible. Seventh grade is a breeze, her grades are perfect and she spends hours after school laying on the Puckerman living room floor crawling after a four year old who likes to play with Barbies. Something Santana hadn't ever done much before. She's happy when she's at the Puckerman home, she doesn't need to worry about male figures. There's only Puck, and well, in Santana's eyes Noah Puckerman hardly counts as a male figure. He's just her best friend. He's just Puck who walks to her house every morning to pick her up for school, stands up for her when the eighth graders are checking her out, and pulls her to his home after beatings by her father to have her patched up.

"Ana"

She hears him call and she looks up. He's the only one who's ever used a nickname on her. Standing right in front of her he squeezes her shoulder. She's standing in front of the calendar, November 16 is the date on the calendar. It means that it has been exactly three years since her mother's passing… since her mother's murder. They've talked all about it, he knows every detail that she's never told anyone. Jane Puckerman knows about her mother's death too, just not the murder part. She also knows that Santana's father leaves her alone in the house all day and all night four days out of the week. She knows that it's the last day of the whole year that Santana should be home alone by herself. She knows that it would only worry her son. So, Jane Puckerman pulls back the covers on her son's bed and ushers the two tweens into the twin sized bed. It's a bit snug but it works. She watches as four year old Li pulls herself up onto the bed too. She watches them for a moment before casting a slight smile their way and leaving the room. For nearly an hour Jane stands outside of her son's bedroom listening to the three children telling and sharing stories about witchcraft and big bad wolves. There's laughter and giggles accompanied by silly words and smiles. When she sneaks back in the room after being sure they're asleep, Li laying with her feet in her brother's face, Noah with a pillow over his eyes, and Ana, curled into a ball as she sucks her thumb with Noah's teddy bear tucked into her arms. She leans down and kisses all three of their foreheads.

Jane Puckerman knows that it's only a matter of time before she's warning Noah and Santana to stay out of the same bed, it's only years before Noah's the one kissing his Ana's forehead and telling her to sleep well. Call it mother's intuition but she knows that one day they'll too see that they complete one another. One day they'll know it too.

* * *

The party was intense and Santana had had her first drink, she'd had her first French kiss too (one that hadn't come from playing spin the bottle with Finn, Puck, Mike, and Matt) now, she's had a lot more than that. She doesn't know exactly where she is when she opens her eyes. All she knows it that she's laying on the cool tiled floor of a bathroom. Her clothes are somewhere else and she's got a throbbing pain in her abdomen. She knows right than that things went further then she'd expected them to last night. She can hardly remember the face of the senior that had asked her to dance and, she sure as fuck never knew his name. The only thing she remembers was taking a few sips from his red cup and having her hand guided below his waistline while his body moved its self against hers. With the flashbacks coming back slowly she closes her eyes tightly. She can feel all the finger marks on her body. She remembers feeling needed for a few moments. She remembers his smooth voice whispering for her to relax, that he'd 'make it fast'. Other than that she can't remember much. She remembers the intense pain from his first movements and she remembers how tightly he'd gripped her as he got what he wanted from her. The thought makes her stomach revolt and she leans over the tub just in time to puke. That was the last of it, the last of her innocence… sucked away by a stranger, yet another asshole of a guy.

She's not sure how she finds it in herself to stand up, but, somehow she does. Her legs are wobbly and all she wants to do is lay back down. There's a pounding on the door that takes her back to where she is. The pounding doesn't stop and soon, the door's starting to wiggle at the hinges regardless of the lock that was supposed to be keeping things out. She doesn't want anyone to come in, she can't even find her clothes. But, the door gives way and she scrunches best she can to hide herself. As she does so she meets his hazel eyes. There's a ring of black and blue around one of them.

"Jackass took advantage of you Ana. Son of a bitch should pay."

He sneers out and it's almost like he's angry at her too. She doesn't back away from him though, as he kneels down in front of her and pulls her shirt from the corner of the room in back of her. It's not much help though, the button and zipper on her jeans are busted and her shirt has a pretty large rip in it. Her head is pounding as she reaches for the items that do seem to half work. He turns away and passes her his jacket. Soon as she's pretty much covered up he turns back and pulls her into a hug yet she can't feel it. It's the first time that Santana Lopez feels absolutely nothing, a day marked the beginning of the end.

* * *

Since that night he's changed, maybe it has something to do with her and the outlet she's found for her pain. Its freshmen year and she's made the cheerios, coming with that she's also let almost the whole football team have her. One after one they were all no different from the last. No kissing just biting, no gentle just harder. She feels nothing anymore. With every guy that touches her she feels more and more immune. That is, until it's him. He's the only one on the football team (besides Finn) who has yet to nail her. So far the only one who's come remotely close to making her feel good has been Matt. She almost considered allowing him around more than once. But now, it's Puck's turn. This time it's not him hearing details from other football members, and, it's not her listening to the cheerleaders stories of how good he is. They've broken into the old dock house, it was his idea, to be where they'd first truly met.

He's got candles set up, they smell like coffee candles, he's the only one that knows the smell of coffee relaxes her. Suddenly she feels afraid. She's never been afraid, not since that night at the party. But, it being him makes her afraid and she tries so hard to repel against herself and to shut off her emotions. But, before she can Puck's in front of her and he's kissing her softly and gently, his hand is tangled in her hair, or, laced with her own. She doesn't want to feel any of it, she doesn't want to connect with a single moment of it, but she can't push it away because he's holding his weight above her on one arm as he uses his hand that's laced with hers to brush a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She feels her breath hitch at the movement and suddenly she can hardly remember her own name. He's not even kissing her, and he's barely touching her. He's just staring, looking into her eyes and searching for permission. None of the guys have ever asked for permission before. And, she's heard that he usually doesn't with any of the girls. They offer and he just takes, like any of the other football studs on the team.

"Ana, are you sure you want to do this?"

His voice has a notch of honey sweetness to it and it's enough for her to feel like she's stopped breathing for a moment. She tries to nod her head but he doesn't make a move, he just looks at her. waiting for a verbal response and she knows that's what he's waiting for because he's still locked with her eyes rubbing circles on her temple with his finger.

"This isn't the same as everyone else Ana… this is different."

She finally lets out a raspy 'I know' and grabs for the back of his neck pulling him closer to her mouth as he slips away from her grip at last moment, she's trying to rush it and get it over with, and he's not going to allow it. Instead, buries his head into her neck. His fingers are slowly sliding to touch the exposed skin of her hips from where her shirt has risen up and she hears it. '_I love you Ana'_ is muffled into her neck as she does her best to pretend the words never escaped his lips. She doesn't fall in love, she just hooks up.

Secretly Santana smiles, because, that's all she wanted, this time… this time truly does feel like her first time.

* * *

She doesn't think she just does. Her eyes still closed she leans over and picks up her pill pack and pops one in her mouth without water and lays back down. By taking it before her eyes are even open she remembers it, the last thing she or he would need would to be is knocked up. That would kill the dreams they both have. Someone would have to be stupid to actually want to carry a baby at their age. As a reflex from the cold air spilling out of the air conditioner Santana rolls on herself expecting to collide with his warm body heat. Instead, there's just a cold space. For a second she feels her stomach drop. In the year that they've been sleeping together she's always woken up to a good morning kiss, morning breath and all. This time, she's woken up to nothing. Nothing that is until she hears the door open and shut. She doesn't look at him, she just lays there looking up at the ceiling.

"hey beautiful"

His voice is a whisper yet his words still make her roll her eyes. She's been there all night, lying in his bed close to him. Jane had to work the night shift even if she was slightly hesitant about leaving them together alone. there's no doubt that she knows what they do when they're alone with his door closed but, he's still her little boy, and, she still sees Ana as part of the family. She doesn't want to see them get hurt. But, he'd carried Santana in sound asleep at eight o'clock before she'd left for work. Jane herself had seen the purpling bruise forming over Santana's left side. Santana can feel it now, she's sore and cheerios practice is going to be a bitch.

"Happy birthday"

He whispers coming closer to her as he sits down on the side of the bed, bowing his head to place a soft kiss to her collarbone as his hand moves under the covers to carefully graze his fingers over the newly formed bruise. His kisses trail to her face and before she knows it she's swept up in his morning greeting. When he pulls away she actually feels herself pout, something that not even biting her lip can stop. But when he's fully pulled back from her he pulls something from the side of the bed, he drags the yellow rose down the side of her face and travels it down her neck before leaving it with a small box on top of the quilt covering her.

Her 'I don't like birthdays, you shouldn't have done this' mumble is lost as he opens the box for her. The contents make her stop dead in her tracks, and she has to use all she's got for the tears not to prick her eyes. The in closed silver charm bracelet was the same one her mother had worn day after day and he knows it. The only change in it is that he'd had it cleaned and he's added a charm to it, a silver heart.

* * *

It's the first day of sophomore year and she's spent all of Cheerios practice listening to Quinn Febray's holier than thou lectures and Aimee Renick tell the story of how she walked into her kitchen to find Puck and her mother on the kitchen table. She can't explain why exactly but it pissed her off. Sure, she's listened to every single one of the cheerios (with the exception of 'perfect' Quinn) talk about how he'd fucked them in various places of the school, but listening to Aimee gets under her skin the most. To the point where when Sue Sylvester says that they're dismissed she rushes out to where the football players are practicing. She grabs the first one her hand comes in contact with. A stupid junior without much of a brain, she drags him into the locker room and goes down on him before practice is over. She's fixing her makeup in the mirror with a smirk that reaches to her eyes when the rest of the football team comes in.

He's the first one to notice her, and he's not happy about it. Before she even knows what he's thinking his hand is locked so tight around her upper arm she can't even attempt to get out of his grip. He's dragging her to where the showers are, not caring if he's still in his uniform or that her Cheerio's uniform is going to get drenched.

"What the fuck was that?"

His voice bites out as he presses her against the wet wall under the showerhead. She doesn't answer him, she just smirks and eyes him. If she's being completely honest she's a little afraid. Because, he's not careful with her like he usually is. As he presses his body up against her she tries to take a step back on instinct and she ends up bashing her head against the cement wall. All she can think about is the pain of it for a brief moment before his lips capture her own roughly. His hand is already on the zipper of her uniform, and his lips are starting to attack the spot behind her ear.

"I want a fucking relationship Santana"

He whispers with venom and she finds the strength to shove him away hard. 'fuck you' she gasps out and finds a way to turn away from him finally. She's facing away from him to the back of the wide open shower, for some reason the rest of the team has stayed back away from whatever they thought was going on in the shower. He moves in back of her, his lips yet again pressing to her neck. 'only if its open' she finally breaks down, she can do open, she just can't give herself to him completely, she can't give herself to anyone completely. Even though he's Puck she's still afraid, everyone disappoints you who's to say he's gonna be any different with her when he's got her. He doesn't try to fight with her on the fact, he just turns her around and continues his intentions from before. Sue Sylvester is going to kill when she finds out the cheerio's uniform could very well be ruined.

* * *

There was a senior party that she got sucked in going to. She can see him on the other side of the room but just barley, she's had a few too many glasses of whatever watching him with all the girls that have gone over to make out with him. She's experiencing high doses of jealousy that she wasn't expecting. They were in an OPEN relationship. One that was her decision, why was she reacting like a child to it? watching the girl stick her tongue down his throat she makes a note in her mind to make the girl's life a living hell for the rest of the year while she throws back a few of the shots Mike's brought to the table. She's attempting to put herself into a spot where she can't feel anything. And it's working because as she watches the girl stick her hands in places that make Santana honest to god want to rip the red heads hair out she grabs Matt's hand and pulls him closer to herself. If the party's just going to turn into yet another sexfest she's going to participate too.

She hardly feels it as Matt starts to take her shirt off. She just goes along with it as her eyes are locked on his across the room. He's looking at her now and, he can see the rage building up in his face. She doesn't care though. She pushes Matt off of her and for a moment she sees him relax, for a moment she hesitates her next move. The hesitation only lasts a moment as the red head kneels in front of him. She's lost all control then. She stands up not looking at him and grabs a fist full of Matt's shirt and kisses him as hard as she can on the mouth. Her other hand reaches out behind her and she laces her fingers with Mike's. it's a good thing Brittney's as dense as she is or else Santana might feel a little apprehensive about doing what she's about to do. Brittney wouldn't even understand the concept she remembers and she continues on to find an open bedroom. She knows that Mike has to be so far gone because, shy, simple Mike would never participate in any of this if he was sober.

Lying down on the bed first she watches the boys undress without actually seeing them. Her mind isn't in the room it's still out in the main room. She just needs these two idiots to be her distraction for a little while. As they start to pick their spots on her body and begin to pull off fabric she reaches for her phone for a moment. 'Hope it's worth it' she keys in fast and presses send before she loses her nerve. She's never been quite so angry before and she can't even explain why she is as angry as she is. She can't even focus on what the boys are doing, the only thing her mind is seeing is the full moon's light shinning in the window through the blinds and catching the silver of the bracelet that's around her wrist.

* * *

'You have to keep an eye on her Noah, her seizures are less but regardless she has no control over it.' 'why is she here then?' 'it's a slight skull fracture, there's nothing they could do for it' 'thrills' 'Damnit Noah, the girl you love could very well have died last night and you hardly care? What has gotten into you?' 'died?' 'she was bleeding from her ears and eyes last night Noah, Ana's a complete mess'

It's been a week since he's spoken to her yet, here she is lying in the middle of Jane Puckerman's bed and she can just barely make out voices. She can't remember how she's gotten there and doesn't remember a single thing that happened before it. The only thing she remembers is the thing she held most important was broken into three pieces by her father's hand. If it didn't hurt so much she would have tried to reach for her wrist to make sure it was actually true. He'd broken her bracelet. After the week from hell it was just the icing on top of the cake. Part of her wishes that he'd actually crushed her skull in his attempts.

Her eyes hazy start to droop again as the door to the bedroom opens and closes. She hears someone suck in a hard breath which could only mean one thing, she looks worse than absolute shit. She can't even hide her face and she can't lift her head to look but, with the way he walks forward she knows it's him. She feels the bed bend when he sits on the corner of it and the only thing she can think of is his arms. If they weren't fighting she could have used him as her escape. She feels him delicately pick up her hand, the hand that normally has her bracelet attached to her wrist. He fumbles around for a moment but when he releases her hand there's a weight to it, a weight that could only mean one thing. Her bracelet is once again where it shouldn't have left. There's another shift in the bed as the positions change and before she knows it he's lying down on the side of her and pulling her into his arms. She finally feels safe knowing that his arms are around her, cuddling her tightly.

"I'm so sorry Santana"

He whispers as he bends his head to kiss her shoulder. Santana almost feels as if she wants to cry then. Because he shouldn't be apologizing for something he didn't do, he shouldn't have been apologizing when she was the one to do the wrong things first. The pain medication in her system makes her words to difficult to get out so instead she just looks at him, the normal clear brown of her eyes showing every emotion of pain, love, hate, and sorry that she can. He lifts his finger and puts it to her lips to tell her it's alright before he kisses the side of her head.

Without Noah Puckerman Santana Lopez isn't sure where she'd be.

* * *

Celibacy club is a fucking joke. With the acceptation of Finn and the creepy kid with the fro Santana's done everyone in the room. But, Brittney's parents advocate for it so Brittney comes to her locker after school, tangles their pinkies, and pulls her to the class room where Quinn is holding her meeting. She rolls her eyes through most of it and twirls around in her cheerio's skirt through the rest of it till the boys come in too. She doesn't give a damn about Rachel Berry. And she could care less why Quinn keeps making a big deal about 'man hands'. Quinn doesn't have to worry about losing Finn, they're both too stupid to know any better. But, everything's made better when the boys come in the room also. His eyes catch with hers and he strides over regardless of the other girls who stop to attempt to partner with him. He's coming to her, he always does. they've been good again for a week, a week since her skull endured the violent pain at her father's fist.

He puts his hands on the sides of her face and kisses her like tomorrow doesn't exist as everyone else stands around and watches or clears their throat. She guesses it's not exactly 'celibacy club behavior' but she couldn't give a damn. They're all just jealous because she's his. She knows it.

Quinn hands out some stupid balloons for some activity and Santana can't help but laugh as she shows them what they're going to do. It's such a fucking joke. She glances at Brittney who's already zoned into Mike, her arms draped around his shoulders and Santana smiles. Her marshmallow is happy with her equally stupid mute. A match made in heaven. She doesn't even notice him at first, until his immature pelvic thrusts show his inner age yet the balloon refuses to pop. She rolls her eyes and listens to him and his ridicules sounds. He's such a child.

Rachel Berry starts to make a scene about girls wanting sex just as much as guys and it makes Santana look over. There's a fire that's starting to brew in Quinn's face as Rachel's outburst continues and Santana can't help but pull Puck close and laugh in his ear. It's a battle of the Diva's. Who would have thought that she'd ever feel like telling Rachel Berry that she was right? But, Santana's sick of Quinn's perfect demeanor. She values being close to the top of popularity too much to ever go against the blonde but she does wish that she'd knock it down a few levels. Celibacy club is over and it's time for cheerio's practice. Puck makes a show of showing to everyone what belongs to him on the way out of the room and she smacks his shoulder for it as Quinn gives the both of them a warning glare. A smirk crosses Santana's face, Princess Pure just wishes she knew what it was like.

By the end of the day, she's followed Quinn, (her hand attached to Brittney's) to Glee Club auditions. She should have seen it as a bad idea.

* * *

He's still in his suit and bowtie when they're lying in the boat house. She's comfortably in pajamas nestled into his arms. So they'd had a very… interesting day. She'd broken up with him because of his credit report? Then, she'd cried over her tanning privileges being revoked. He's the only one who knows why her emotions and outbursts are so erratic. It has everything to do with the date, November's come quick and the days are drawing closer. It'll be seven years this time. Seven years that she'll be without her mother. Seven years she's good as raised herself. She lets out a sigh and he pulls her closer to him.

She's commented earlier that she'd never heard him sing before the Acafellas's show only in their showers, but that's badly and off key just to piss her off. She hates his pitch when he's trying to annoy her. He always butchers her favorite songs in the shower. Santana Lopez wouldn't ever admit it allowed but she has a bit of Rachel Berry in her. That's what happens when your mother sings for you all the Disney songs as you watch them alongside her. Always in perfect pitch. This time something is different as he tightens his grip around her and finds her ear. She'd fully expecting a kiss to start something but she's taken back when it doesn't come. Instead his soft tenor voice begins Iris by the Goo Goo dolls. The song and the band she usually goes to when she don't feel like coping with something. She closes her eyes against his chest and breathes evenly in and out as he continues to perfect the words with a key pitch that even Berry and Shu would be proud of. And, as she starts to fall asleep and she thinks about the words, allowing them to soak into her brain, maybe things are supposed to be broken. Maybe her walls are supposed to crumble to let him fully in. maybe… just maybe she does want to be his and only his.

* * *

It's because he won't touch her and its scaring her, he hasn't kissed her, he hasn't touched her, and he hasn't looked at her. It's November 16th and she's hardly gotten a reassuring squeeze. She's a little frustrated with him as she pulls into his driveway and gets out of her car slamming the door. She's had her license for four months now but never had she ever been so tempted to use road rage till she got stuck in the silent car. She goes into his house and slams the screen door as she lets herself in with the key on her keychain. Jane and Li aren't home yet. She tosses her backpack aside and storms into his room, discarding her cheerios uniform as she pulls on her favorite jeans and one of his Mckinley high tee shirts that are balled up on the floor across the room. She wants to get away from him if he's not going to make any move to make her feel better.

She can hear his footsteps in the doorway as she looks out the window, her hand playing with the bracelet on her arm. She just wants him to help her feel nothing. She needs his kisses, she needs him to help her forget. But, as he stands there with a hand in his pocket and one playing with his mohawk he looks distracted. She just wants to shake him. Then he opens his mouth.

"Quinn's pregnant"

He states and her eyes light up for a second, it means that she's the heir to the top of the cheerios, she's going to own everyone in the damn school. A smirk starts to spread across her face as she nearly dances over to kiss him, her own happiness not taking in the look on his face. She presses her lips to his waiting for his reaction and she's stopped by him pulling her off of him.

"The kid's mine"

She looks at him wide eyed and in shock, she's waiting for him say he's kidding, she's waiting for him to pick her up and pin her against the wall, she's waiting for anything that makes her feels unfrozen. But, he makes no movies to do so. Instead he just looks down at the ground. In that moment Santana loses everything she's built up for the past seven years. Before she even knows what she's doing she's sitting on his floor and her eyes are wet. Before she knows it she's knows it she's wrapped her arms around her legs and she's bawling her eyes out into them. She can't even stomach listening to him talk about how Quinn wants everyone to think its Finn's. The only thing Santana can do is cry.

"I'm so sorry Ana"

He whispers, his voice holding the exact emotion that's pouring out of her. She doesn't even have the strength to protest as he picks her up. Like a rag doll and carries her to the bed with him she can't look at him but she holds onto him as she sobs into his shoulder. She sobs for everything, for the fact she never said goodbye to her mother, her father being a no good jackass, but mostly because she's fallen so completely in love with him and she'll never be able to have him. Because he's not a Lima Loser. He'll figure out a way to be with Quinn and he'll stay with her for the rest of his life just because what matters to him the most is the little bastard that's growing inside of Quinn. Because to Puck, (who everyone would think only cares about sex) the things that matters the most is not being like his father.

* * *

Her father should be coming home any day and for the first time in a very long time she doesn't have any place to go. It'd feel too awkward sleeping on the floor in Li's room when she hasn't spoken to Puck in over two weeks. It's been almost easy, Sue's separated her away from him. Sue's kids and Shu's kids, she was glad in the beginning, not having to see him every day. But, after sneaking in for an impromptu jam session today, singing ride with me, she can't get him off of her mind. It's the first night she's been alone, completely alone. She's been with fourteen different guys in the past two weeks at least, she lost track awhile back. She's in too much pain to actually care about who's screwing her. She doesn't let it show though she just keeps in mind best that in just a little few months she'll have it all, everyone in that whole fucking school will be under her fingertips. That's what she needs to look at the most. She doesn't need anyone there to make her feel anything. All she needs to worry about is being on the top.

Laying outside in the vestibule attached to the house she's staring out of the glass ceiling looking up at the stars. She's always done this, since she was eleven years old, but, normally she's not alone and she doesn't like being alone. If there's anything Santana's learned about herself it's that she hates to be alone. She could call Matt or even Brittney to make her feel better but she doesn't feel like it. For once in her life the rush of sex isn't something she feels like dealing with. She just wants to lie silently on the ground, thinking about just how off this all feels. Every moment feels like a life she shouldn't be living.

Her eyes close and she starts to drift off, into a place far less complicated. She can imagine his lips on her neck, it's almost like she can feel him straddle over her lower half and slide his hands up her shirt. It's only when he un does the clasp behind her back that she realizes that she's not sleeping. These things are too vivid. She doesn't open her eyes though. She pulls his shirt off and she scraps down his back as hard as she can with her nails. She feels like she needs to make him feel her pain, she wants to make him hurt just as bad as she does. Just as bad as she would never allow anyone else to know. She still hasn't looked at him, and he still hasn't bothered to kiss her lips yet he's moving down her torso, leaving butterfly kisses around her belly button. That's when she feels it. There's moisture dripping down on her with every kiss he places. It breaks her a little, Noah Puckerman doesn't feel emotion. He doesn't allow anything to get to him just the same way that he doesn't. Yet here he is, pulling all the strength he has in him to get her out of her clothes, for the first time she's ever seen, Puck is mixing his needs with his fears and she's not about to stop him.

* * *

They're still not good a week later. He comes to her every night but they haven't spoken an actual word in weeks, he hasn't kissed her in weeks either, and, he can't possibly look her in the eyes. They just meet in her car, they hookup, they separate and call it a day. It hurts her and it hurts him but she doesn't care. Just like she didn't care when he walked into her bedroom while she was tangled in the sheets with Matt. She doesn't give a damn about his feelings. At least, that's what she's telling herself. He obviously didn't care about hers when he fucked Quinn. Had he cared he would have thought twice at screwing the virgin Mary. She's to annoyed to care much about it, what's done is done and she can't exactly change it. Quinn's going to ruin both of their lives because doing the smart thing and the right thing goes against the 'morals' she says she has.

She's sitting in her seat having a conversation with Matt and Finn when he walks in with his guitar volunteering to sing. She looks at him with a confused look on her face but he never looks back at her. His eyes are set on something else. As she follows his gaze as he starts to sing her eyes fall on Rachel and the look on her face doesn't change. She can't help but wonder what the fuck he's doing. He starts to sing and play and the people around her are beginning to get into the song. Marshmallow and Mute are playfully holding hands and smiling at one another and it makes her sick. She doesn't linger on it to long as Brit's face turns to her with a worried expression on her face. She changes her expression then from the fast moment of sadness to anger. He's only ever sang in front of a crowd with Acafellas before, and, he's never serenaded anyone besides her the night he sang her song to her. Now he's suddenly Mr. Fucking sensitive?

She's ready to pull Finn out of the room just to screw with him. That is, till she turns her head. Quinn's face tells her everything. She's so into his singing, his playing, everything about him. She's starting to fall for his charm. Santana tenses then and her eyes fall down to where Quinn's arms are situated around herself. She has to turn herself off, go back to the solid block of non emotion she always is. All she has to do is think about nearly being the top of everything. That's the only way she's ok. When Puck ends his song she gives him a slow clap and is already on her feet moving to straddle Matt's lap in her cheerio's uniform. She could care less if the rest of the club is watching or what they can see. All she knows is that she's about to give Matt a proposition to spend the night at her place.

* * *

She doesn't know how Artie does it and she kind of admires him a little (not that she'd ever tell him) for what he does day to day. She'd never want to be stuck in a chair every damn second of the day. She's laying in Puck's bed thinking about it, laying on her side under his covers breathing in his scent. It feels so good to be back in his bed. To be on speaking terms again, to have him look at her. He apologized for what he'd done with Rachel. He explains that it was a laps in sanity when he didn't have her to tell him he was being an insensitive jackass to her feelings. She told him she didn't care but of course he knew her better than that. It's all whatever now, it's all in the past. She knows the only real thing she has to worry about is Quinn and the thoughts now flashing through her mind. It seems she's slowly starting to clue in on the fact that Puck would be a devoted father. Santana can't help but wonder if she'd screwed in the long run. He comes in the room as she's drifting off to sleep and she blinks open one sleepy eye to look at him.

"It's a girl"

He said quietly as she rolls over to look at him. He smells like cake mix and when her eyes finally lock on him she can see why. He's wearing all the ingredients. She decides she doesn't want to know any details. She makes some insensitive comment about 'girls being what got him in the mess in the first place' and how 'he'll be a very young grandfather if the its anything like him' and he ignores her as he grabs a change of clothes and pulls her up from the bed kissing her hard on the mouth. She's trying to push away the image in her head of him and herself with a little bundle of pink in her arms. She doesn't like kids, she never has. The thought actually makes her want to go throw up.

"I'm gonna have a little girl Ana"

That's it, she knows he's pulling her along with him to the shower as it is but before he can grab her hand again she's already in the bathroom down on her knees in front of the toilet puking. The thought of him with that 'innocent' whore of a blonde and their little pink bundle of joy did it for her. she knows that for the night she'd rather deal with Brittney ask her if Kimono dragons actually wear kimonos or even deal with her father's fist more than listening to him mope over how Finn the airhead is going to be his 'daughter's' father. Once the shower's over she's gone for the night. She'll stomach anything more than she's stomaching this. By the time she stands up he's already in the bathroom leaning against the wall away from her. She flushes the toilet and rolls her eyes. Jealousy hasn't ever been a pretty color on Santana.

* * *

The words Quinn spoke are burned into her mind, '**I happen to know Puck cares for me', **had not getting into a confrontation with his baby mama been so imperative Santana might have ripped the blonde's hair out. For a brief moment she wants nothing more than to mouth off and tell Finn the real deal. Sally Sunshine can't have it both ways when she got herself into the mess in the first place and she's damn sick of Quinn getting away with everything. The miss innocent act is nothing but a façade and she feels like she's the only one that knows that. It's pissing her off and all she wants to do is scream about it. Instead, he's sitting on her car the moment she gets outside.

"Do you really have to piss her off? I was in the middle of making progress."

He spews out in her direction and she gets into the car without paying attention to him. 'Fuck you Puck' she bites out as she jams the key into the ignition and he climbs into the passenger seat. 'Either you pick her or you pick me but I'm getting seriously tired of her shit. She can't get away with every fucking thing she wants" she glares ahead as he pulls the keys from the ignition and presses the button that makes her seat go back. It's the middle of the school day and they're supposed to be in class but here they are, in the middle of the parking lot in her car. He's climbing over the center console that's separating them. With the hand that's not leaning against the fastly fogging windows he puts the key back into the ignition turning it down so that just the radio comes on. He presses a few buttons and before she knows it 'The Goo Goo Dolls' are filling her ears.

"Who do you think I pick Santana?"

He whispers in her ear as his lips graze her collar bone, 'This isn't working Puck, you can't win this one', she attempts to whisper and resist him only to find out that he's taking the unfair advantage. She's trying so hard to remember to be pissed off at him as he slowly tortures her with his fingers, she wants so badly to resist him, to tell him to stop but she knows that if she ever told him to stop he would in a heartbeat. The last thing he'd ever do to her was something that she didn't want. But, he's making her feel better and she hates herself for it. She doesn't want him to stop and she doesn't have the energy to object, he's pushing her buttons and part of her wants so badly for him to stop, no, she suddenly just wants it harder and faster. Damn him for always getting himself out of trouble. Damn him for always making her forget. Damn him for being the only one she really wants. The only thing she knows for sure is that he's going to expect pay back for this one and she's highly considering leaving him in pain.

* * *

It feels good not to have her face caked with makeup like she's had all day. Being at his house is like home. The black ring around her eye is shrugged at and every once and awhile kissed by his lips. This evening it hasn't been quite like that. They'd had a long day at school and he's spent most of it sulking somewhere with Matt and Mike. Everyone knows he's going to be a father now and, at least Finn's punch wasn't hard enough to bruise him. Maybe Santana should have volunteered her father's service to teach the weakling how to punch. She doesn't bother thinking about it though. Someone else can be his comfort for a little while. It's not like any of the girls are gonna want to touch him now that they've learned he doesn't know how to take care of himself. Besides, her evening is going pretty smoothly. Li's at a friend's house and she's cooking with Jane. Sitting on a stool carrying on a conversation about how lucky she is that her father has yet to fracture the bones around her eye and admitting to Jane that without Puck she wouldn't have anything. She's surprised when he comes in the door smelling like he's spent the night hauled up in a liquor cabinet. She knows she should grab his arm and drag him to his bedroom before he can do or say anything stupid, but, from Jane's face she already knows that her son's lost to the world of liquor for the night.

"Ma, I fucked up"

He says and both she and Jane wince. Of course, both for different reasons. Santana knows that she doesn't want to hear him to say another word but she knows that he's going to say it anyway. It's not like she can kiss him to shut him up for the moment. That would have caused a very uncomfortable sight for his mother and Santana's not exactly willing to sleep on the couch for the night.

"I got a girl knocked up"

Santana's eyes close and her head falls into her hands as he says it. She wants to ring his neck now. He's such a stupid good for nothing bastard. What she doesn't expect is for Jane to drop the knife to the ground with a loud clatter before rushing over to her. She's not sure what's going on until Jane's hands are on either side of her face.

"Santana Maria Lopez, oh Ana, why didn't you say it before."

Jane's got Santana's face in her hand and horror is written all over her face. It's a good thing Jane Puckerman has ingested almost a whole bottle of wine while cooking dinner because, if she was sober this wouldn't be all to pleasant. If Santana's face wasn't being squeezed so hard she'd laugh. Soon as Jane lets go and turns to look at her son who's staring straight at the curly haired Latina with apologetic eyes she speaks up, 'hell no, I'm not carrying his devil spawn. He only wishes' she spats out and hops off of the chair folding her arms cross her chest after putting the hood up on his sweatshirt that she's wearing. She decides that they probably need some time alone. Glancing in the direction of the two intoxicated Puckerman's she reaches for the door handle just as a knock beats it. She's already got the door halfway pulled open when she sees the blonde hanging on the other side of it. For a moment, the only thing going through her head is that she's thankful that the shadow from his the hood of his hoodie is obstructing Quinn's view of her black eye. With that thought dancing through her brain she forcefully pushes past Bambi out into the cool night air.

* * *

They almost don't fit in the tree house, it's an uncomfortable squeeze but that's what they've been reduced to. It's three o'clock in the morning and that's where they're sitting. Her father's in the house and she doesn't feel like yet another confrontation and she can't go sleep in his bed, Quinn's there. Quinn has also banned her from stepping foot in the house. She's testing out keeping her baby and if Santana's within fifty feet of it she gets possessive and rude. It's a true diva fit in the making. Jane's pissed at her son for being so stupid, she's worried about Ana being alone, and she can't stand Q's woah is me behavior. So Puck and Santana have moved into the tree house. They've got the floor lined with blankets and quilts yet she can still feel the slight nip of the April hair through the Transformers quilt she has tucked around her. Her head is in his lap and he's brushing through her messy curls with a comb that used to belong to her mother. The repetitive feeling relaxes her as she picks through and eats only green gummy bears.

"Li misses you"

He states and she continues to drag her fingers down the walls, stopping at every Polaroid of the two of them that holds a certain memory. There have to be at least fifty pictures up on the walls.

"She doesn't understand why 'the baby can't grow in Ana's tummy' she said Quinn's a bitch"

Santana laughs and makes a comment about knowing 'she raised Li right'. He stops brushing as she does so and leans down to give her a simple kiss on the lips. She smirks then and responds to him with something along the line of 'you EVER knock me up and you can be one hundred percent sure that a clinic will be the first place I go. The world doesn't need any more of your shit' and she rolls his eyes sliding his hands under the quilt that's over her to touch her bare skin bowing his head for another kiss. She breaks their kiss and the silence by telling him Sue's newest idea to bring down Glee club by having her and Britt seduce Finn. She feels him clench up at the thought and she knows she's done her job for the night. She tells him that all she's done so far was go to dinner and second with Brittany. There's been no devirginaiting the virgin and he relaxes a little bit.

"You don't have to screw everyone in the fucking school you know."

His comment makes her push his hands off of her body she's suddenly disgusted with him. She sneers at him before retorting that 'you do the same thing, it's just who they are. He's just jealous that he fucked up in his quest.' Then she sighs and rolls onto her stomach, leaving her head in his boxer clad lap as he runs his fingers through her hair.

* * *

She's lying in just his tee shirt in his arms on the choir room floor. The pieces she'd had on before are thrown in a bag in the trash beside the door. She never wanted to see either piece again. Not after the way she feels. Every regret is trapped in the fibers of silk, every moment she's spent in them is a moment she doesn't want to relive. She'd started to claw at the purple fabric the moment Puck had picked her up at the diner. (The extra money she'd paid for a spare key to her car had only come in more handy the day Brittney had taken a sleep in the car and locked the keys in the trunk ) He'd been completely silent as she'd gotten in the car. Just a tight hug as the car in back impatiently beeped till he moved again. she couldn't have cared less about the world around her. She felt to dirty to give a damn.

Who would have thought that a place deemed most comforting would have been the school, moreover, would have been the choir room. That was the last thing she'd of thought months ago. But, now she's showered alone in the girls locker room with scalding hot water trying to erase her thoughts. trying to erase the thoughts of herself being like HIM. the him that stole her virginity when she was fourteen. Because that's exactly what she's done to Finn, that's how she feels and inside she's not proud of it. she hasn't had a problem introducing some of the freshmen to the world of being popular but there was something about Finn, something about his words that have burned her . Now she's paying with it for actually for once feeling. He was worried about her, the way he pulled her out of the shower room and pulled his own shirt on over her head before pulling her as close to him as he could manage.

"That never say no policy doesn't always work does it Santana"

The way he's said her full name makes her shutter against him as he walks her back down the hall in the direction of the choir room. she's clinging to him as her hair drips down on the floor the janitor might slip on. Maybe if she was less Santana she'd feel bad. But the truth is the thought of someone else falling and hurting a little bit makes her feel even. He opens the door for her where he's laid out a blanket he found stuffed in one of the corners and it looks more inviting to her than the motel room bed had ever. Makes up a little for the fact that she hasn't slept in his bed in a few months now.

"Where's your bracelet?"

He asks as he catches her wrist , he knows how she gets when its missing. She casts her eyes away from him and pulls her arm from his grasp as she lays down on the floor in front of the risers waiting for him, 'I don't wear it when I do things like that. It doesn't feel right' she shrugs and lays her head on his chest as he lays down beside her.

* * *

"Ana… did you give her that knife to use? She's gonna cut off her finger"

Jane Puckerman shakes her head as she watches Li attempt to cut up a tomato and Santana dice the lettuce. She's standing behind the stove turning over the slowly crisping bacon. Quinn's out for the night, somewhere, anywhere, Santana didn't care to listen to whatever Jane mumbled it out. She'd had enough of Tubbers for the day, enough of the Glist shit. Quinn's just jealous she fucked up on her first time, she's jealous that Santana hasn't screwed up yet. She's jealous that Santana would have had the guts to put an end to her mistakes before they ever amounted to something. She'd almost laughed when she'd found the first draft of the Glist on Puck's lap top. Though she shouldn't have been surprised, the rest of the ten wouldn't have been smart enough to put it together. The holier than thou thing really is getting old. She's the one who's knocked up after all. At least she's got a night or at least a few hours of peace in the Puckerman household. She spins around at the counter top and finishes off the tomato that Li has close enough to murdered after ruffling the kids hair for a moment. Everyone's gotta learn how to use a knife sometime.

"What'd you think of Noah's hair Ana?"

Li quips up as she gets two juice boxes from the fridge and puts one in front of Santana. Santana grumbles as she jams the straw into the juice box and takes a long swig not looking up to meet either one of the Puckerman's eyes. The Mohawk has been a Puck staple since three days after she'd met him. Seeing him without it now makes her a little angry, Santana's never been one for change and the thought of him with no Mohawk scares her. Almost like she doesn't know how he is without her, if hair could make a person than it could also tear one down. The last thing she wants to see is him change any, she's too afraid she'll lose him if he does. as Jane tosses the bacon onto the napkin covered plate and Santana smirks, she's heard all the stories about Jane pretending to be 'Kosher friendly' just to piss Quinn off. As if that needed anymore help in the long run, she's already pretty sure the chip on Quinn's shoulder holds her way above the Puckermans.

She's in the middle of picking at the food off the table when the door opens and shuts. His 'Hey ma's and 'sup' squirt's' are spoken as he makes his way around the kitchen island and rests his chin on the top of her head, his hands are sliding under her tee shirt and his mother is eyeing them with a warning glare. She's attempting to try and wiggle free from his grip but its not working. This is his way of trying to get her un mad at him, his way of apologizing for shaving his head and for going after the car brand bitch.

"To your room Noah, not in my kitchen"

All is going fairly well till the door opens and the blimp walks in.

* * *

She's so erratically happy and she doesn't want to show it. Shu's phone call woke her up bright and early at five thirty but she doesn't even give a flying fuck. Standing out on the Puckerman porch in one of his shirts that barely covers her she just wants to jump up and down like a five year old. She wants to scream and be an innocent kid for five seconds because he's completely made her day but, he won't ever know it. as she ends the call a smile spreads over her face and she holds the bracelet around her wrist for a second and looks up at the sky. Later today at Regional's she's going to make her mom proud and, she's going to make Shu proud. Even if she won't show it. That little bit of a solo in 'Don't Stop Believing' is all she needs. The fact that she is going to be with him in it makes her feel even better, because she knows that every word she'll be singing she can put her heart into and look into his eyes. The thought of being so… domesticated and…. Normal makes her sick. But, this time for some reason she's excited. She actually likes glee club, she can't explain it but she does.

Still completely hyped from the phone call she rushes out of the nearly warm June air into the cool darkness of his bedroom and onto his bed. Her cool hands connect with his still warm from sleep body and she buries her head in his neck, so what if they'll need to put a little stage makeup on him to high early morning activities. She's on a high, besides, he'll know better than to mention the circumstances that surround the soon to be red irritation spot. Before she can bite down on his neck again he has her flipped on her back still in a hazy sleep. His eyes are just starting to blink open as he kisses her mouth. She missed this, she missed being able to sleep in his bed, kiss him whenever she wanted, lecture him for being too loud while his mom and sister sleep in the other rooms.

"Morning"

He whispers and she corrects him with a 'good morning' as yesterdays thoughts of screwing Matt in the back room after their performance finishes vanishes from her mind. Maybe for the first time in months she'll grant his wish again. she slips out of bed then, swallows her pill (she's not gonna pull a Quinn next), and searches around the room for her favorite jeans.

"Such a tease"

Catching him mumble under his breath she turns back around and informs him that she'll 'leave the door unlocked' with a smirk. She knows that as soon as he knows he can safely get out of his bed and make it to the bathroom without the chance of Li stumbling out of bed and asking him why he's carrying his quilt into the bathroom he'll join her.

* * *

There should be a part of her that feels guilty for what she's doing. For the fact that she's locked the door to an empty hospital room that should probably be used for a sick person or something else of the sort, but, she's incapable of managing those feelings as she rips off the fucking gold dress that she never wants to see again, black straps breaking as she does so. She couldn't give less of a shit regarding all the trouble Berry went through to make it. For the moment, she hates glee club, she hates journey, and she's 'stopped believing'. As she's attacking the buttons of Matt's shirt breaking even the thread. She wants to forget. Forget everything she's felt lately. There's something about all of it that just shouldn't belong.

"Don't fucking talk Matt I don't want to hear it. I don't give a shit if he's your best friend. If you have some type of protest you wouldn't have fucked me before. This isn't any different you got it?"

She says as she grabs a hold of the white tee shirt he's got on under his dress shirt. She's down to nothing but black lace and he's still nearly fully dressed. He's not helping her with her quest in any way and she's half regretting not grabbing someone else to take her pain away for a few moments. Even the gay kid could have done better than Matt's doing. Hell, she could have grabbed Brittney. Than Matt makes a move with his hand, he reaches for her wrist and she freezes. His fingers fumble with the silver bracelet around her wrist and she feels every emotion inside of her twist and contort. Only seconds before Quinn's water broke puck had slipped it onto her wrist. Shu had put a ban on all jewelry during the performance yet Puck had kept it in his pocket safe and protected till the end. For some reason as he slipped it onto her wrist and Quinn screamed it had felt like he was handing her back so much more than just her bracelet and suddenly she'd felt raw and vulnerable. The feeling just gets worse as Matt holds her wrist. She doesn't' even feel like screwing him now. She doesn't feel like doing anything, and, before she knows what's going on Matt's holding her to his chest and she's convulsing. Her tears are coming quick and fast and she's not even thinking about threatening him not to tell anyone about her tears. All she can think about is that with the birth of the bastard child she could very well have lost him. she's seen enough movies to know that it makes men soft. And she knows very well that he could very well be one of those guys. It's the last thing she wants to think about, it's her biggest fear. And for a second, just one split second, she'd rather be in Quinn's spot. Because she loves him that much.

"It's gonna be ok San"

Matt whispers in her ear and she can't even stop her crying long enough to agree. Because, she knows that if he falls for Quinn and It in the next few hours, she'll never be ok again. she'll never be the same again.

* * *

"Ana, I don't even want to know what you did"

Jane Puckerman whispers in her ear as she pulls the red puffy eyed sixteen year old into her arms and hugs her tightly. She's regained most of her control but she's trying her best to promise herself that she won't cry again. something she can't promise she feels to alone. She'd called Jane soon as her tears had slowed up a little and Jane had turned the car right around and picked her up clothes. It wasn't like she could put the dress back on, the thing wouldn't even zip anymore.

"He's looking for you Santana, I think he needs you in there with him."

The older woman's whisper in her ear makes her heartbeat speed up a little as she turns. She's been standing at the nursery window hiding from the rest of the members of Glee club. She didn't need a single one of them seeing her so broken down. She didn't need any of them to know that she needed Puck as much as she did. She hadn't seen him enter the nursery and she sure as hell hadn't seen him attempting to wave her into the room. she's not sure what to do for a moment, if she should move closer to him or if she should run out the door just as fast as she'd gotten there. She doesn't like children, and, babies are something she's never been to fond of, but, by the look in his eyes he really means it. His hand is out to her and she sucks in a deep breath and tucks her hands into her jeans before passing a nurse and heading to the doorway of the nursery.

She looks both ways waiting for Quinn to pop out of nowhere and kiss Puck, or anything that could shatter Santana just as equally. Instead, his hand is reaching out to her and she's very apprehensive to take it. but the moment she does she feels better because he's pulled her to him so tightly, he kisses her like it's the first kiss they've ever shared and in that moment she knows it's all gonna be ok. Turning around in his arms he's still holding her tightly as he kisses the back of her head.

"That's my daughter Ana… well, someone else's daughter. But, I helped with that"

He whispers and she leans her head back against him. for once in Santana's life she feels guilty for someone else's pain making her feel so much better and so relieved. But, she can't help it. because, by them giving Beth away it means she still has him. she doesn't have to forfeit what she has so that he can play an unhappy game of house for the rest of his life while she screws as many guys as she can trying to repair the pieces of her broken heart. By him giving Beth up she knows that they can still play their cat and mouse game through high school and eventually settle down into a world of their own. For a moment she thinks that maybe, just maybe she'd be willing to be in this position with him in twelve years. But that thought only lasts a second before her mind skips to thinking about all the ways she can attempt to soften this blow for him. which include a lot of long nights he's up with her rather than getting bottles and changing diapers with a kid and a priss blonde.

* * *

It's been a long day and she's tired. Explaining to Brittney that just because she loves Puck it doesn't mean that she loves her any less it just means that just like before a majority of her sex life is going to be spent with just Puck alone (she's gotta wonder what it would ever be like if she and Puck did procreate, how would she ever explain a baby to Brittney) has been very timing consuming and she'd been relieved with Mike had stepped in and assisted Brittney out of the room with a bowl of lucky charms. She loves Birtt, she really does, she's always had the patients when it came to Brittney. How could she not, she'd taught her marshmallow what it was like not to live in a white room. but, sometimes Santana swears she's not getting any better with comprehension. It's either that or the text message that had been blinking for almost an hour made her want to leave and hurry to a new destination.

Its July now and it's still muggy and warm near the water as she sneaks up to the boat house. she can hear him playing around with cords on his guitar inside, the smell of coffee candles surround her and a real smile comes to her face as she takes the elastic out of her hair and tucks a stand behind her ear. It feels funny to be standing out in public with her hair down in jeans and a tee shirt, no makeup and her glasses but, she doesn't have to put on a façade for him. he's seen the real her in and out and, he's home. To her, Noah Gabriel Puckerman will always be home. Moving the board out of the way she enters the dimly coffee candle lit boat house and she smiles. Somewhere in the middle of going with his baby mama to see his month old kid and grocery shopping with his mom he's managed to save a moment for her. it's no wonder that he took her car before she'd opened her eyes. The transformers quilt that he sleeps with every night is on the floor alone with the red blanket they'd had their first time in the boat house, her real first time. There's something else there in the middle of the pillow on the ground and she glances at him for a moment before crawling to it, in a little jewelry like baggie is a little pearly white tooth. She laughs for a moment before commenting to him that he's 'a loser'. He smirks before tackling her under him and kissing her like he hadn't done all day.

"Next November"

He starts to whisper and she sighs a little bit. In the mixed of all of this the last thing she wants to think about is November. Between mothers dying and virgin Mary's being knocked up she's had enough of the month of November.

"I'm going to make it all up to you"

He says as he starts to trail kisses down her neck. She knows he means it, and, regardless of who their doing on the side, they'll eventually give up their games and just let it all be. His fingers catch her wrist and she feels him tug on her bracelet for a moment before she turns her attention to look in his hazel eyes.

"She's gotta be proud of you Santana"

Puck whispers as she rolls over and lays her head against his chest listening to his heart, the heart she knows is in his chest, the one that holds a special beat just for her. as she closes her eyes and listens to it she decides to take a chance.

_"I love you too you know"_

She can hear the smile in his breathing as he bends his head and kisses the top of her head. Yep, things are gonna be ok.


End file.
